A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
You have a ready wit. Let me know when it's ready.
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to into a muffler.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Compiled by humorist Timothy Dunton